Sometimes, I wish I was mute.
That's not true.
Yeah, it kind of is.
Sometimes, I wish I couldn't speak, so that I wouldn't have to speak. Because sometimes, in our home, to speak is to pick a side. And to pick a side is to start a war.
For whatever reason, you argue less with me.
This is shitty. I am thrust into the middle of every argument, because without my presence, they descend into shouting, crying, yelling. Admittedly, even with my presence, this happens, but moreso when I'm not around to translate.
It's so fucked up that I'm needed to do that. She makes sense. She does. She speaks with clarity and precision, as she's had to over the years dealing with you. She makes sense.
You, on the other hand, play dumb. Is it because you like the attention of both of us? Is it that if you're going down, you want to drag me down with you? What makes you argue for hours and hours over the smallest word choice, until I have to get involved and dumb it down to three letter words, because it's half eleven and you need to go to bed?
I hate having to get involved, because it means that, whatever I say, it will be twisted and warped until it barely resembles my original words. I hate getting involved, because if I try and reason out either viewpoint, I feel as though I am betraying the other. I hate getting involved, because I'm so exhausted. I hear the same arguments, all the damn time, and nothing changes. I ask why, phrasing it in a million different ways, to hear I don't know, in that awful dead voice. I hate getting involved, because it makes my stomach clench and my head ache and my shoulders crunch up to my ears.
I hate that a simple question, a basic conversation, can lead to now; all three of us in separate rooms, feeling various levels of hurt.
I hate feeling like it's become one of my burdens to try and reform us, after Hurricane N has visited. I hate feeling like I hate my younger sister. Because I do feel that way. I do sometimes feel like I hate you. I listen to the things you say, and see the way you act and I think, God, why are we still living this? What epic mistake did we make that karma is paying us back, this hard?
I'm so tired of this. Of feeling so empty inside, so dead.
Sometimes, I feel as though you are a leaky bucket. You can never be completely filled. But instead of asking for help patching yourself up, you go around punching holes in everyone else, so that they hurt, too.
There are days when I wonder why we didn't make you go and live with your dad, last year. Logically, and when I'm feeling capable of looking to the future, I think it's probably a good thing. Your dad is actually not dissimilar to mine, and I know how hellish I found it living with him.
When I'm not feeling capable of looking to the future, I curse the fact that a train didn't come last year, when I was standing on the tracks, looking for a sign.
I made a promise to myself that I would be the sister to stick around, I'd be the one who was there. Sometimes, I can stand by that. Other times, I think I was a fucking idiot to put that on myself.
I don't know how to keep doing this. I don't know how to keep being there. I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of feeling like I can't ask you to do anything. I'm fed up of dreading the time I know you'll be home from school. I hate the feeling of pure terror that fills me when I think about the upcoming summer holidays.
I don't know how much of it is in my control. I've spent hours, in my own head, trying to work out what more I can do to help you. Trying to figure out which parenting book to read, so that I can get through to you. Hanging around on parenting forums, trying to see how other families have coped with children like you.
The idea that some of it is not in my control, that it's in yours... I can't actually bear to think about it. Because sometimes, I'm not sure that you can change.
Sometimes, I'm scared that this is just... you.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Tuesday, 3 July 2018
Sunday, 27 May 2018
May. Whoops...
So much for blogging more often.
It's not that nothing has happened - a lot has happened over the past few weeks, actually - but the words just haven't been there to write.
As always, Wheelz and I will try and do a month of something. This month, we elected to try and take better care of our feet. We used Footner (have you ever used Footner? You should use Footner), and peeled off the top layer of our feet. If that sounds disgusting... Well, I mean, it is. But it's also weirdly satisfying, pulling literal strips of skin from your feet. Plus, the soles of my feet are now baby smooth.
We've also had quite a few appointments between the three of us this month. Wheelz had pain management, which necessitated a doctor's appointment to change her meds over. I've had more counselling, a carer's clinic appointment, a blood test and a med change. Even Lil Monster has had a few, with one to book her in for some counselling and another to deal with her gammy feet.
I've actually sat down a few times this month to try to get some words out there, but just... nothing.
Part of that, I'll attribute to the med change. I mentioned at carer's clinic that I didn't feel the Citalopram was doing much, so she changed me over to Sertraline. It really knocked me for six. I spent days feeling nauseous and tired when coming off of the Citalopram, and then tired and nauseous when I started taking the new tablets. I can't say that I've noticed much of a difference thus far, but it's only been little more than a week. I probably ought to give them more of a chance.
This coming week is half term, and I'm kind of dreading it. Lil Monster is home for the whole week.
She needs to tidy her room - which is a fairly terrifying prospect. One, because there are juice cartons, McDonalds cups and God knows what else in there. And two, because she has reacted badly to tidying her room in the past. The incident in which she went at Wheelz with a knife for trying to tidy her room plays on my mind often, and it's an incident I'm desperate to avoid.
She is a... high octane kid, and the idea of a full week of keeping her occupied fills me with no small amount of dread.
I mean, I know we'll get through. We always do. But sometimes, I wonder at the mental cost that 'getting through' takes.
I don't know. We'll see.
Hopefully, my writer's block has decided to leave me alone for a bit, and I can write on her a bit more often as we move into June.
Here's hoping!
It's not that nothing has happened - a lot has happened over the past few weeks, actually - but the words just haven't been there to write.
As always, Wheelz and I will try and do a month of something. This month, we elected to try and take better care of our feet. We used Footner (have you ever used Footner? You should use Footner), and peeled off the top layer of our feet. If that sounds disgusting... Well, I mean, it is. But it's also weirdly satisfying, pulling literal strips of skin from your feet. Plus, the soles of my feet are now baby smooth.
We've also had quite a few appointments between the three of us this month. Wheelz had pain management, which necessitated a doctor's appointment to change her meds over. I've had more counselling, a carer's clinic appointment, a blood test and a med change. Even Lil Monster has had a few, with one to book her in for some counselling and another to deal with her gammy feet.
I've actually sat down a few times this month to try to get some words out there, but just... nothing.
Part of that, I'll attribute to the med change. I mentioned at carer's clinic that I didn't feel the Citalopram was doing much, so she changed me over to Sertraline. It really knocked me for six. I spent days feeling nauseous and tired when coming off of the Citalopram, and then tired and nauseous when I started taking the new tablets. I can't say that I've noticed much of a difference thus far, but it's only been little more than a week. I probably ought to give them more of a chance.
This coming week is half term, and I'm kind of dreading it. Lil Monster is home for the whole week.
She needs to tidy her room - which is a fairly terrifying prospect. One, because there are juice cartons, McDonalds cups and God knows what else in there. And two, because she has reacted badly to tidying her room in the past. The incident in which she went at Wheelz with a knife for trying to tidy her room plays on my mind often, and it's an incident I'm desperate to avoid.
She is a... high octane kid, and the idea of a full week of keeping her occupied fills me with no small amount of dread.
I mean, I know we'll get through. We always do. But sometimes, I wonder at the mental cost that 'getting through' takes.
I don't know. We'll see.
Hopefully, my writer's block has decided to leave me alone for a bit, and I can write on her a bit more often as we move into June.
Here's hoping!
Monday, 9 April 2018
We're free!
Well, for a week anyway.
It's the second week of the Easter holidays, which means that Lil Monster is visiting with her dad for the week. Which means, Wheelz and I are free for the week!
I love my little sister. Let me just make that clear, right from the off. I love my little sister, with a depth that floors me sometimes.
But she is a very high maintenance, highly emotional teenager, who can be utterly exhausting to be around. Therefore, sometimes, I'm glad that she goes for a few days, because it gives me the chance to recuperate.
It doesn't help that I've been struggling with my anxiety recently, and not sleeping very well as a result. I'm sure lots of people can attest to the fact that little sleep generally means little patience.
It also doesn't help that Lil Monster pretty much always regresses with her behaviour in the days leading up to visiting her father. A few conversations this week have brought a few things to light, which have helped me make a bit more sense of things. But the fact remains that, for a week or so before she goes, Wheelz and I are treated to excessive moodiness, tantrums, shouting and more-than-expected belligerence. It can be tough to deal with.
So Wheelz and I are trying to make the most of the week of respite. The funny thing is, and this happens virtually every time, we usually wind up with one or both of us ill during her time away. It's like our bodies stay on high alert whilst she's around, and then just give in and crash when she goes away. She left on Saturday. Since then, I've been struggling to sleep, and feeling more tired and anxious than usual. Wheelz has been suffering from palpitations that nearly sent us to A&E on Sunday night, as well as a persistent migraine.
It sucks, but it's our reality.
Usually, we don't make any concrete plans for this week. We've learned by now that it doesn't work for us.
Instead, we'll just make the most of the peace and quiet that comes from having a teenager free home!
It's the second week of the Easter holidays, which means that Lil Monster is visiting with her dad for the week. Which means, Wheelz and I are free for the week!
I love my little sister. Let me just make that clear, right from the off. I love my little sister, with a depth that floors me sometimes.
But she is a very high maintenance, highly emotional teenager, who can be utterly exhausting to be around. Therefore, sometimes, I'm glad that she goes for a few days, because it gives me the chance to recuperate.
It doesn't help that I've been struggling with my anxiety recently, and not sleeping very well as a result. I'm sure lots of people can attest to the fact that little sleep generally means little patience.
It also doesn't help that Lil Monster pretty much always regresses with her behaviour in the days leading up to visiting her father. A few conversations this week have brought a few things to light, which have helped me make a bit more sense of things. But the fact remains that, for a week or so before she goes, Wheelz and I are treated to excessive moodiness, tantrums, shouting and more-than-expected belligerence. It can be tough to deal with.
So Wheelz and I are trying to make the most of the week of respite. The funny thing is, and this happens virtually every time, we usually wind up with one or both of us ill during her time away. It's like our bodies stay on high alert whilst she's around, and then just give in and crash when she goes away. She left on Saturday. Since then, I've been struggling to sleep, and feeling more tired and anxious than usual. Wheelz has been suffering from palpitations that nearly sent us to A&E on Sunday night, as well as a persistent migraine.
It sucks, but it's our reality.
Usually, we don't make any concrete plans for this week. We've learned by now that it doesn't work for us.
Instead, we'll just make the most of the peace and quiet that comes from having a teenager free home!
Saturday, 3 March 2018
Soap, glorious soap!
I've been saying I'll write about this for ages. So being as we're snowed in, I'll write a nice lighthearted post about our soap making adventures, as opposed to complaining about the cold, and our temperamental boiler.
Last year, when we found out we were getting our bathroom done, both Wheelz and I mentioned that we liked the idea of making soap. So we decided to give it a go.
I got a couple of make-your-own soap kits for Christmas, had a brief read of the instructions, and we set off.
The pictures aren't suitable for sharing.
Nah, I'm kidding. We had fun, and they turned out pretty well. Wheelz made a bright pink coconut oat soap, whilst I branched out with green pina colada scented soap. They looked cute enough that we were more than happy to send them out. I just can't find the pictures.
Since then, I've made quite a few more soaps. I made a batch with Lil Monster, and neither of us died, proving that we can spend time together as a family with no casualties. We made goats milk soap, in clementine and vanilla fruit varieties.
I've loved making the soaps. I like the creative element, and I also like the ease of it. It doesn't take long to make beautiful soaps, which look and smell great, and are perfectly functional. I also like doing something where the results are fairly instantaneous. With the soap kits we've used, you just melt the base, add scents and colours, and they set within a day or so. There's something very relaxing about making something where you can see it coming together and working before your very eyes. I suspect part of that comes from my background in sugar flowers. With sugar flowers, the end result is very pretty, but there's a lot of planning and uncertainty to get there. With soaps, if it looks right and smells right, chances are you're onto a winner.
We've been sending our soaps out as birthday presents for family, save a few that we're keeping for ourselves (or would be, if Wheelz hadn't stolen my coconut scrub soap!), and they've been well received. But even if they weren't, it wouldn't take away from the sense of achievement that comes from making something with your own two hands, and being able to see that not only can you do something successfully, it can turn out beautifully.
Last year, when we found out we were getting our bathroom done, both Wheelz and I mentioned that we liked the idea of making soap. So we decided to give it a go.
I got a couple of make-your-own soap kits for Christmas, had a brief read of the instructions, and we set off.
The pictures aren't suitable for sharing.
Nah, I'm kidding. We had fun, and they turned out pretty well. Wheelz made a bright pink coconut oat soap, whilst I branched out with green pina colada scented soap. They looked cute enough that we were more than happy to send them out. I just can't find the pictures.
Since then, I've made quite a few more soaps. I made a batch with Lil Monster, and neither of us died, proving that we can spend time together as a family with no casualties. We made goats milk soap, in clementine and vanilla fruit varieties.
I've loved making the soaps. I like the creative element, and I also like the ease of it. It doesn't take long to make beautiful soaps, which look and smell great, and are perfectly functional. I also like doing something where the results are fairly instantaneous. With the soap kits we've used, you just melt the base, add scents and colours, and they set within a day or so. There's something very relaxing about making something where you can see it coming together and working before your very eyes. I suspect part of that comes from my background in sugar flowers. With sugar flowers, the end result is very pretty, but there's a lot of planning and uncertainty to get there. With soaps, if it looks right and smells right, chances are you're onto a winner.
We've been sending our soaps out as birthday presents for family, save a few that we're keeping for ourselves (or would be, if Wheelz hadn't stolen my coconut scrub soap!), and they've been well received. But even if they weren't, it wouldn't take away from the sense of achievement that comes from making something with your own two hands, and being able to see that not only can you do something successfully, it can turn out beautifully.
 |
| Vanilla fruits, goats milk. Pretty swirled with pink |
 |
| Clementine and chocolate, goats milk base. Although, mostly clementine... |
 |
| Lemon and poppy seed. |
 |
| Coconut scrub soap. This was Wheelz's, but now she has two. Being as she stole mine, and all. Not that I'm salty... |
 |
| And last but not least, coconut oil soap. This went to Wheelz for her birthday, due to her obsession with all things coconut scented. |
Sunday, 7 January 2018
Happy New Year!
As the title starts, Happy New Year to anyone reading this. We've somehow made it to 2018.
I know I'm a little late in posting this- technical issues, family shit. Same old.
This will probably only be a short post.
As the clock passed midnight, Wheelz, Lil Monster and I asked one another, what are your resolutions for this year? What are you aiming to do?
Life has taught me not to make any firm resolutions. They don't seem to work out. The universe has an uncanny way of stepping in and messing things up. But I have made a few small resolutions, a few small personal goals that I'm going to try and keep up this year.
1. Write more. Whether it's on here, or in a diary, or recreationally. I'm going to try and make time to sit down and write at least once a week. There's something cathartic about letting words fill a page. It feels like unloading, like letting things go. Even if there's nothing special, or new, or important about what I'm writing. It's just good to let things out of my head.
2. Talk to people, about how I'm feeling. The day after Boxing Day, my lovely Aunt offered to give me a lift home. She's in a similar situation to me with regards to Lil Monster. It was the first time in a while that I've had a chance to talk to someone openly, about my thoughts and feelings, without feeling like I had to censor myself. She told me to get in touch with her, if ever I wanted to chat, or a distraction. I realised that I don't really talk to anyone about my innermost thoughts. I'm not sure if that's because some of them feel too toxic to let out, or if it's because I don't want to burden them. But I ought to talk more, and let people listen, and help. Which leads me onto my next...
3. Accept help. I don't like feeling indebted to people, which is how I generally end up feeling if I accept help from them. The aforementioned lovely Aunt offered to give me a lift, and I felt weird about it and sent her petrol money afterwards. She told me there wasn't any need. Why can't I accept help from others? Is it because I want to feel like I've got a handle on everything? I don't know. But there isn't anything wrong with accepting help. In fact, if I was offering advice to someone else in my position, I'd tell them to take all the help they could get! I'm going to try, this year, to take my own advice a little bit more.
There are other things that I'll probably try and do this year. Wheelz and I are going to attempt soap making this year, as well as experimenting with some fun new keto recipes.
2018, watch out!
I know I'm a little late in posting this- technical issues, family shit. Same old.
This will probably only be a short post.
As the clock passed midnight, Wheelz, Lil Monster and I asked one another, what are your resolutions for this year? What are you aiming to do?
Life has taught me not to make any firm resolutions. They don't seem to work out. The universe has an uncanny way of stepping in and messing things up. But I have made a few small resolutions, a few small personal goals that I'm going to try and keep up this year.
1. Write more. Whether it's on here, or in a diary, or recreationally. I'm going to try and make time to sit down and write at least once a week. There's something cathartic about letting words fill a page. It feels like unloading, like letting things go. Even if there's nothing special, or new, or important about what I'm writing. It's just good to let things out of my head.
2. Talk to people, about how I'm feeling. The day after Boxing Day, my lovely Aunt offered to give me a lift home. She's in a similar situation to me with regards to Lil Monster. It was the first time in a while that I've had a chance to talk to someone openly, about my thoughts and feelings, without feeling like I had to censor myself. She told me to get in touch with her, if ever I wanted to chat, or a distraction. I realised that I don't really talk to anyone about my innermost thoughts. I'm not sure if that's because some of them feel too toxic to let out, or if it's because I don't want to burden them. But I ought to talk more, and let people listen, and help. Which leads me onto my next...
3. Accept help. I don't like feeling indebted to people, which is how I generally end up feeling if I accept help from them. The aforementioned lovely Aunt offered to give me a lift, and I felt weird about it and sent her petrol money afterwards. She told me there wasn't any need. Why can't I accept help from others? Is it because I want to feel like I've got a handle on everything? I don't know. But there isn't anything wrong with accepting help. In fact, if I was offering advice to someone else in my position, I'd tell them to take all the help they could get! I'm going to try, this year, to take my own advice a little bit more.
There are other things that I'll probably try and do this year. Wheelz and I are going to attempt soap making this year, as well as experimenting with some fun new keto recipes.
2018, watch out!
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