This is NOT a diet blog....

....and I have no intention of it turning into one. But I don't actually do much - as you may have gathered by now - so it makes sense that I let you know what I've actually been doing since 31st December 2018.

Many, many years ago, I lost nearly 7 stone following a VLCD called the Cambridge Diet. For all sorts of reasons - including an ex who hated me losing weight because it made insecurities pop out of the woodwork - I never actually reached my goal.

Anyway, I started seriously following my version of a VLCD at the end of December. It has had to be my version because I can't afford to follow one with a Counsellor, and Lighterlife is expensive AF if you go through the programme. So I've been buying my stuff from Exante, Superdrug who do Lighterlife Fast and Slim'n'Save.

My first week I lost 35lbs. No, your eyes are not deceiving you - I lost 35lbs in the first week. Complete food replacement, three products a day. The ONLY reason I lost that much weight is that I am a complete and utter camel and hold onto water like there's a drought planned. That, and I have (had) over 250lbs to lose. So that was an incentive to keep going.

It hasn't been easy. Obviously Da Boss and Monster-teen have to eat. And there have been times when I have wanted to rip the food out of their hands and shove it down my throat so that I looked like a snake with undigested food shapes sticking out! But on the whole, I have managed to stick with it. Periodically I have needed vegetables because on a VLCD, you don't *ahem* create a lot of waste. So sometimes constipation can be a problem. Having the odd meal of meat/veg gave my body something to gather up and expel.

Then I have had some problems with the ready-to-drink shakes. I have no idea why - as far as I'm aware, I don't have any sort of dairy intolerance. But every time I had one of the ready to drink shakes, I had a MAJOR explosion in the bathroom. Like, OMG, I need a hazmat suit and a CDC team to deal with this. Fortunately, I have finished nearly all of the RTD shakes so that shouldn't happen any more.

Last week was week 8. Monster-teen went to visit her dad. And I went down with the mother of all viruses, including a hacking cough that made me think my eyeballs were going to explode out of my head, and my brain was shaking in my skull. Everything hurt like you wouldn't believe. So I ate. All week. Mostly one meal a day - pizza one day, tagliatelli another day, MacDonalds one day. I planned a couple of times to get back on track and then wanted food - it was very Arianna Grande: I see it, I like it, I want it, I get it. (Apart from the complete fail by UberEats that we won't discuss but that almost made me cry!) I haven't managed to kick this virus completely - still coughing a lot, headaches are still bad. But better than I was.

 But today, my order arrived from Slim'n'Save, and I'm back on just the packs. I weighed in and have been fortunate enough to only put on 1lb which is a complete miracle if I'm gonna be honest.

My knees are bad again - I think it might be time for another steroid injection. I'm not looking forward to the actual injection but by God, I'm looking forward to the relief.

I've now lost 53lbs in 8 weeks. I'm very proud but also completely terrified. I haven't been this successful on a diet in years. Quite possibly a decade. I can't actually see much difference in myself. But yeah, it's been messing with my head just a bit.

So that's me. I'm trying to keep track of things on Instagram Chutney Spires which is a daily log of what I'm eating and how I'm doing. And I'm kinda hoping to use this place for the headstuff. But it's definitely not gonna be a diet blog.

Oh yeah. I missed my MRI because of the virus but it's been rescheduled for March so that's happening. I don't know why, but I'm scared they're going to say they can't see anything wrong. Like somehow, the MRI isn't going to see the arthritis etc and they're going to label me a fraud. Does anyone else ever have that stuff go on in their head?

Wakanda and Leto Hangover!

Yeah, so I've finally stopped calling everyone a motherfucker - it barely lasted five days so why Stripes is complaining, I don't know!! However, the Wakanda hangover remains. I would still book tickets to Wakanda in a hot minute (I'm pretty sure I could help Killmonger deal with his feelings of loss while he recovered from that spear wound). It's probably a good thing I don't go out very often as calling people Coloniser, throwing wigs at them and expecting a proper Wakandan salute when you meet them is beyond the expectations of our little section of Birmingham!

So what's occurring? Well, I'm on day 24/5 of Exante. I did have a planned evening off for our concert night - hot salty fries anyone? - but right back on it the next day. I haven't seen any consistent weight loss - in the first week, the scales said I had lost 3 lbs; second week 2lbs. As you can imagine, having given up food entirely, I was less than pleased with these puny results. It doesn't help that my scales are a hunk of junk and rarely give the same results twice in a row. I promised myself I'd do it for a month and then decide what next, so that's what I'm doing. I actually like the shakes and porridge - some of the bars are revolting and mac and cheese taste like paste. But I can do this. I was meant to be following it with a friend, but she doesn't have as much to lose as me and when her first week's results were a pile of crap, she kinda jumped ship! So, me, myself and I and a facebook group that I've found. Plus numerous youtube videos including Life of Ollie.

Unfortunately, I'm not feeling well today. It looks like I've got a mini infection of my helix piercing i.e. a HUGE lump behind my ear that stabs me like the sword of a thousand spartans if I move my head without thinking. This comes with a side order of nausea, hot and cold fever, temperatures which make me feel like a furnace even whilst shivering - you get the picture. I tried to use this as justification for another day off diet plan - surely MacDonalds would make me feel better? But Stripes is onto me and my shenanigans so what I got was steroid ointment and orders to drink more fluids.

Thirty Seconds to Mars was freaking amazing. There were so many other disabled people there- we passed at least four other wheelchairs, plus people using crutches and walking sticks. It made me feel like I stood out a little less, which is saying something as the last time I tried to dye my crewcut blonde, it came out a delightful shade of lavender! Our seats were good and to be honest, I can't remember the last time I just sang my heart out without worrying about being out of tune, with thousands of other people joining in. I felt so free that even the pain in my knees from sitting still for so long didn't bother me much.

And of course, Stripes. She's my best mate and she doesn't always believe me when I tell her how special she is. But she moved the car on her own because she knew I couldn't walk back to it, move it and still have any real energy left. She just did it - and bloody perfectly too. She parked better than I do!! I'm mega proud of her, but she just thinks I have to be cos I'm her mother. Pft, shows what she knows

Easter holidays, which means Little Monster, She has been trying really hard lately but that seems to be wearing off. Just in time for her to go and spend a week with her Dad. She doesn't want to go - especially as it falls over her birthday - but she DOES want to go because he's her dad, and she wants him to have a chance to get to know her after being away for five years. So hopefully, he won't disappoint her. And it means Stripes and I get a week to ourselves! Until she's actually on the coach, I won't believe it, but we could be getting a WHOLE WEEK to ourselves!!!

In the meantime, the April thing is face make up - i.e. foundation, concealer and contour. None of us have ever used make up really before but Lil Monster has expressed interest. For her birthday, we've bought her some make up palettes, and for our April thing, I've just ordered a load of foundation, etc for us all to play with.

Not as easy as it sounds as I haven't been able to get to any shops to test foundation colours for matching my skin tone. None of the local superdrugs are particularly wheelchair friendly - whether it be a lack of parking or a lack of space within the store. Add to that, apparently this make up flies off the shelves because it is affordable but good! So we've ordered a variety of shades and will see how it turns out.

So, that's a little catch up with me. I've fallen in love with the Strictly Come Dancing game on tablet, which has rapidly become a bit of an obsession. This does mean I have semi stopped playing Songpop, Words with Friends and Sims Freeplay. And now, Sims Mobile, which I am less than impressed with but stay playing because I want to see what happens when my sims die!

Maybe you'll hear more from me over the next fortnight. Although, Shadowhunters season 3 has started so I wouldn't count on it - Malec isn't going to support itself you know!

Wakanda Forever!
x

Keto not working or me not working Keto?

You didn't really think I was going to be able to blog constantly did you? I did think about it, but I went down with a cold and a severe case of sloth-city, and therefore no blogging.

I had my CPAP review at the beginning of March.  Good news? I used to stop breathing 89 times per hour when sleeping. Yeah, you read that right - 89 times per hour 😨😨😨 Now, its more like 4 - 5 times per hour (anything less than 5 is considered normal). They want me to get a better sleep pattern but are happy with my progress and my appointments are now patient led - basically, they don't call me, I call them if I need anything. 

Bad news? I got on their scales expecting to see a drop. The last time I was weighed there, I was 182 kgs - that was in March 2017. When I started keto, I was around the same (so I  believed). This time their scales said 191 kgs (including my boots - that's important, honest). So I had put on nearly 10 kgs in a year. I was horrified. Terrified. Sad af. Poor Stripes had to comfort me whilst the nurse I was seeing tried to figure out how to make me feel better (it could be worse, you know now so you can do something about it, etc etc).

We left the appointment and I had to put a smile on my face as Lil Monster was with us, as well as a friend, and we were off to see Black Panther (go see it - life-changing, Wakanda Forever). Loved the movie - had a great time - got home and basically curled up in bed and sobbed like a child. I think I actually cried myself to sleep, that's how sad I was feeling.

I've been following keto since the beginning of January. I think I've had a couple of slips - (I attacked Stripes for a chocolate digestive last week, it wasn't pretty but it tasted lovely) - and I had some baileys in my hot chocolate one night last week. But apart from that, I've been a good girl. No bread, potatoes, pasta, rice since the beginning of January. Spinach is my vegetable of choice. Water. Atkins bars.

Now it could be the Atkins bars - one per day as a treat since I gave up cream cheese cheesecake as I was close to over-dosing on it and I found it too moreish. They fitted into my macros - I was watching YouTube videos and joining keto groups on facebook and reading feverishly to see what I could do to make things work better. But the scales don't agree.

I've weighed myself twice since that CPAP review, and each time I've put weight on. We're not even sure it's physically possible and are seriously considering that the scales might say they can weigh that high, but they can't cope. But I don't feel  smaller, don't look smaller, my clothes don't fit better.

So it looks like keto isn't working for me. Or maybe I'm not doing keto the right way. Either way, it's been two months and I've seen zero weight loss.  So time for a change.

Stripes and I had a chat and I've decided to give VLCD another try. I was successful on the Cambridge Diet about 14 years ago - lost 100 lbs - but life got in the way in the form of my unsupportive spouse, financial devastation, physical problems - and the weight crept back on.

I've been watching YouTube videos to see people's experiences - to see if things have changed; and I've been surfing the internet to find the cheapest  way to follow the plan. I've found a deal on Exante products, so have ordered 25 days worth of products and once they arrive, I will slide from keto into meal replacements. I want to stick to it for at least one month - if it's working, maybe I'll just keep going.

Terrified in case it doesn't work - haven't heard anything back from the Dr's surgery or the weight loss clinic. Terrified in case it does work - it was a mind-f*ck losing all that weight all those years ago. And maybe, tentatively hopeful?

Maybe you'll hear more from me as I go through this. No promises though.