Sometimes, I feel as though the root cause of my anxiety is this:
For millennia, the universe has managed to keep things goings. Even if civilisations have risen and fallen, and creatures have gone extinct the world over, there is a constancy to the universe. The sun will rise in the morning, and set in the evening. The earth will orbit the sun, taking roughly 364.25 days to do so. Every day, people will be born, and take the place of those who have passed. These things, we all know to be true.
And yet, I can't even manage to keep the two most important people in my world happy. There is always angst and anger, hurt and ill feeling. There are days that pass in which no one feels truly happy, where we all seem to be tiptoeing around one another, terrified of the proverbial egg shells.
And I feel as though the crushing weight of the universe sits upon my shoulders.
We have kept galaxies and planets, constellations and countless stars alive for millennia, if not more. In the twenty short years that you have been in existence, you can't even manage to keep your family happy. Not even happy all the time; you can't even seem to manage an even-keeled balance.
It's days like these when I feel this the most keenly. Days when we have tried for a 'normal' family day, and failed rather epically.
And the worst of it is, I'm not even sure it's mine to fix. I suspect it is something that we're all supposed to club together and heal, which is no mean feat considering one of us is fourteen and going through the typical selfish bloody teenager phase. Familial relationships are never the fault of one, nor can one alone heal them. Logically, I know this.
But even so, I feel as though I am failing.
Saturday, 20 January 2018
Sunday, 7 January 2018
Happy New Year!
As the title starts, Happy New Year to anyone reading this. We've somehow made it to 2018.
I know I'm a little late in posting this- technical issues, family shit. Same old.
This will probably only be a short post.
As the clock passed midnight, Wheelz, Lil Monster and I asked one another, what are your resolutions for this year? What are you aiming to do?
Life has taught me not to make any firm resolutions. They don't seem to work out. The universe has an uncanny way of stepping in and messing things up. But I have made a few small resolutions, a few small personal goals that I'm going to try and keep up this year.
1. Write more. Whether it's on here, or in a diary, or recreationally. I'm going to try and make time to sit down and write at least once a week. There's something cathartic about letting words fill a page. It feels like unloading, like letting things go. Even if there's nothing special, or new, or important about what I'm writing. It's just good to let things out of my head.
2. Talk to people, about how I'm feeling. The day after Boxing Day, my lovely Aunt offered to give me a lift home. She's in a similar situation to me with regards to Lil Monster. It was the first time in a while that I've had a chance to talk to someone openly, about my thoughts and feelings, without feeling like I had to censor myself. She told me to get in touch with her, if ever I wanted to chat, or a distraction. I realised that I don't really talk to anyone about my innermost thoughts. I'm not sure if that's because some of them feel too toxic to let out, or if it's because I don't want to burden them. But I ought to talk more, and let people listen, and help. Which leads me onto my next...
3. Accept help. I don't like feeling indebted to people, which is how I generally end up feeling if I accept help from them. The aforementioned lovely Aunt offered to give me a lift, and I felt weird about it and sent her petrol money afterwards. She told me there wasn't any need. Why can't I accept help from others? Is it because I want to feel like I've got a handle on everything? I don't know. But there isn't anything wrong with accepting help. In fact, if I was offering advice to someone else in my position, I'd tell them to take all the help they could get! I'm going to try, this year, to take my own advice a little bit more.
There are other things that I'll probably try and do this year. Wheelz and I are going to attempt soap making this year, as well as experimenting with some fun new keto recipes.
2018, watch out!
I know I'm a little late in posting this- technical issues, family shit. Same old.
This will probably only be a short post.
As the clock passed midnight, Wheelz, Lil Monster and I asked one another, what are your resolutions for this year? What are you aiming to do?
Life has taught me not to make any firm resolutions. They don't seem to work out. The universe has an uncanny way of stepping in and messing things up. But I have made a few small resolutions, a few small personal goals that I'm going to try and keep up this year.
1. Write more. Whether it's on here, or in a diary, or recreationally. I'm going to try and make time to sit down and write at least once a week. There's something cathartic about letting words fill a page. It feels like unloading, like letting things go. Even if there's nothing special, or new, or important about what I'm writing. It's just good to let things out of my head.
2. Talk to people, about how I'm feeling. The day after Boxing Day, my lovely Aunt offered to give me a lift home. She's in a similar situation to me with regards to Lil Monster. It was the first time in a while that I've had a chance to talk to someone openly, about my thoughts and feelings, without feeling like I had to censor myself. She told me to get in touch with her, if ever I wanted to chat, or a distraction. I realised that I don't really talk to anyone about my innermost thoughts. I'm not sure if that's because some of them feel too toxic to let out, or if it's because I don't want to burden them. But I ought to talk more, and let people listen, and help. Which leads me onto my next...
3. Accept help. I don't like feeling indebted to people, which is how I generally end up feeling if I accept help from them. The aforementioned lovely Aunt offered to give me a lift, and I felt weird about it and sent her petrol money afterwards. She told me there wasn't any need. Why can't I accept help from others? Is it because I want to feel like I've got a handle on everything? I don't know. But there isn't anything wrong with accepting help. In fact, if I was offering advice to someone else in my position, I'd tell them to take all the help they could get! I'm going to try, this year, to take my own advice a little bit more.
There are other things that I'll probably try and do this year. Wheelz and I are going to attempt soap making this year, as well as experimenting with some fun new keto recipes.
2018, watch out!
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