Where did I go wrong?

Good grief, it's been a really shit summer!

I came off my diet with a vengeance and put back on 2 stone. I'm incredibly jealous of a good friend because she managed to stick to her plan and has now lost 92 lbs. 92 lbs is barely a dent in what I need to lose overall but I didn't even manage that before I tripped myself over and managed to grab failure with both hands.

I think I'm back on plan. Today is day seven. But yet, once again, things with the youngest daughter are getting into my head and taking precedence. We found out that she hasn't completed work from her previous year of school and is going to fail at least one of her subjects. That doesn't even take into account the rest of her school report. The only thing she is passing is P.E.

So we're spending our evenings basically standing over her whilst she completes the components needed. And we get no thanks, no appreciation - in fact, we get resentful and attitude. And all of that makes me want to have MacDonalds on speed dial.

I attended some counselling over the summer. But it turned into yet one more thing that I was putting a face on for - trying to pretend I was more together than I actually was. So I stopped that. Family Support has turned out to be a bit of a bust for us. The focus is on the youngest, which means that it's all about how we can make her do the things she's supposed to do. Everyone involved bends over backwards trying to find ways to make her understand how important all of this is regarding school work and life, and she nods and smiles, or cries, apologises and says she is going to change. Then leaves the room and completely forgets everything she said.

It's so completely frustrating and I make myself even madder because then I spend time trying to figure out where I went wrong. My older two kids are great. I mean, okay the eldest is part of a church that sometimes seems almost cult like. And my middle daughter has taken over far too much responsibility including being my carer, some finance of the house, the pets, the youngest. It's not fair and I know it adds to her stress and anxiety and I wish I could do something about it.

But none of that explains why the youngest acts the way she does. Why she doesn't expect a single, solitary thing from her Dad but expects that me and her sister will do absolutely everything for her, put up with all of this, and do it with a smile on our faces and a song in our hearts. I spend so much time feeling like I could scream that my chest hurts.

Everything hurts. And sometimes I wish it would all just go away.