...and to be frank, I feel like I've one sweet fuck all.
Stripez and I visited one of the (many) Doctors at our Medical Centre. He proceeded to lecture me on the dangers of staying on the opiates I take daily as they are addictive (no shit) and despite being prescribed to me for the past fifteen years, are proven to be a placebo. So he wanted me to come off of them. Completely cold turkey. Said if I stopped taking them and 'rode out' the withdrawal, I stood the chance of becoming a useful member of society again. Also, I need to lose just over 200 lbs in weight but that's just the small matter of showing some willpower.
Now, I wonder whether or not this guy had read my medical records. He seemed to know nothing about my stroke, the vertigo, the depression and anxiety - in fact, based on what he had to say to me, all I needed to do was stop being the next best thing to a drug addict, drop a few hundred pounds and I could be back on my feet, working in no time.
He almost convinced me. In fact, I'll admit it, if Stripez hadn't been there, he would have me convinced that I'm just a fat, lazy waste of space who needed to stop malingering, stop taking masses of drugs for no reason whatsoever, and get a job.
We reminded him that we had asked (more than twice) about the option of weight loss surgery and been told each time that a referral was being put through. We let him know that I had managed to lose nearly one and a half stone following a plant based diet (check out spudfit if you want to know more). His response? Do you want me to refer you to Slimming World? Seriously, I don't think this guy heard one thing that we said.
Anyway, wanting to show willing, I have spent the last four weeks weaning myself off of Tramadol, also known as Zydol. And a flippin' trippy four weeks it has been. I can't remember the last time I have been in so much pain so often. Walking, sitting, lying down, standing - all of it hurts like someone is smashing me in the base of the spine and both knees with a giant hammer (although if it was Chris Hemsworth doing his Thor impression, it might have been worth it). I don't sleep worth a damn (if I take paracetamol and gabapentin at the right time, I can grab six hours on a really, really good day), I'm constantly tired, cranky, depressed and wanting to top myself. But, maybe I'm coming out the other side?
I haven't managed to stick to Spudfit because tbh, Lil Monster has been a complete and utter ****. As in, I still have no idea how she is still breathing because I actually dreamed at least twice that I went to her room and smothered her in her sleep. Last word merchant, rude, disrespectful, lazy, unappreciative - sounds like every other teenager out there, right? Well this one can argue with you for HOURS at a time over whether or not she should have to sweep a floor. Like, seriously.
She gaslights me on the regular, tries to pretend that she doesn't know she's doing it. Will pick at every single word I say until I am almost scared to speak because I can't stand another fight. Sometimes Stripez and I, by the time Lil Monster has gone to bed, literally sit there in a type of shock. My Counsellor described it as domestic abuse and she was right. But there's no escape because the kid is mine, she's only 14, and because I don't beat or abuse HER, Social Services will do nothing.
But that's a whole different rant.
Anyway, I've made three wigs, am learning to do a cut crease (playing with make up is SO much fun) and have rocked pink/purple hair for the month of May and most of June. Who knows what delights July holds for me?
Not gonna make any promises about writing more often. But I will recommend reading the Harry Dresden books by Jim Butcher as I re-read them (first one came out in 2005 I believe) and am catching up with the last three. And, I might have the minutest germ of a plot bunny to actually write a short fanfic story - but don't hold me to that because I may just have been hallucinating whilst not sleeping!
P.S. - Stripez, if you read this, you're my best friend too and I don't say that just because you occasionally share your particularly plumptuous pillows with me in the evening so that we are propped up and can watch TV comfortably!
